i've recently re-discovered a favorite song of mine. vienna by the one and only billy joel. i am actually so happy to have not heard it for quite some time, because yesterday when i finally listened to it again- the emotions it brought were fresh. its's probably the worst thing in the world when you get sick of a "favorite song". especially one that is so special and sentimental.
i first heard the song in one of my favorite childhood movies, 13 Going on 30. the movie is about a girl who wants so incredibly to be older, wiser, prettier, and more successful. she wishes on pixie dust after being humiliated at her 13th birthday party, and wakes up the next day as a 30 year old version of herself with a hot bod, a dream apartment, a fabulous wardrobe, an athlete boyfriend, a dream job, and superstar friends. basically everything she ever dreamed of. long story short- she quickly discovers that this is not the life she wants. she got everything she ever wanted, but hurt people in the process including her childhood best friend, matt. the rest of the story is her navigating her new life, finding herself in the process, and realizing that all she ever wanted, really wasn't what she thought it would be.
now, though the song brings back MAJOR nostalgia, i think the lyrics are what really hit me. some of my favorite lines are, "slow down, you're doing fine you can't be everything you want to be before your time", "you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need", "Slow down, you crazy child and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile, it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two", and then the famous, "when will you realize, vienna waits for you?"
i mean, clearly the lyrics speak for themselves, and i was really needing that reminder. in this season of my life, i have literally been running around like a chicken with its' head cut off. i think many of us feel that way from time to time. the feeling of needing to be older, wiser, and more successful is almost universal. we are so tunnel visioned on the destination, that we often miss out on the journey. we wear ourselves thin going and going and going and going because getting to that end result is so important, that by the time we finally get what we want- we either don't want it anymore, or we are too burnt out to enjoy it.
this song is just an awesome reminder that whatever "vienna" is to us, it will always be there. we need to slow down and enjoy life. yes, it is good to have goals and dreams and aspirations but i don't believe that God wants us stressing, struggling, and worrying this much about the future. be present where you are now. do what you can. enjoy the little daily things, and when life gets too crazy and you need to breathe, "take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while".
i often forget this, and need to be reminded. life is too short.
thanks billy, you get me every time.
"Slow down. Take a deep breath. What's the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway?" Jeremiah 2:25
i've been feeling super distant from god lately. and not in an "i can't feel you moving in my life" kind of way. more of in a "haven't been trying or putting forth the effort, or even worse-remembering" kind of way.
i can't help but compare where i am now, to where i once was- fired up, passionate, and absolutely crazy about jesus. this time last year i was talking about jesus, thinking about Jesus, and living about Jesus. I was the jesus freak. and i can't help but think that these people that saw me this way and experienced me in my rich season on faith, haven't heard from me in a while. this jesus that i "live for" hasn't even heard from me in a while. and don't get me wrong, i still 100% believe in the gospel. i love jesus. with everything in me, but sometimes it's hard to love him. not because things are going wrong, or not my way. i guess just because this world is designed to distract us. and i fall short sometimes. i get distracted.
i think the world tricks you. it tells you that if you don't feel it completely, it's not there. so i think maybe i don't feel god. i feel stagnant. and i try, just maybe not hard enough. or maybe i don't want it for the right reasons. i just miss god. i miss waking up and feeling renewed. and i miss noticing jesus in my daily life. and i miss talking about jesus. and i miss being the Jesus freak. not for the title or the image but for the sole purpose of devoting everything, even you're earthly reputation, to someone and something far greater than any of us.
i've been getting so involved with the church that i think it has become social. and not spiritual. i am serving. who am i serving? myself, most days.
i worry a lot. i worry that i'm missing out on jesus. i worry that when i didn't notice that ray of sunlight peeking over the clouds, i missed out on a little bit of jesus. and i worry that when i looked away from the sorry soul wandering on the street, i missed out on a little bit of jesus. its hard to notice the details sometimes. but when you do, you really do see jesus.
i want to be on fire again.
i want to make jesus my priority again. but it's more than just the actions of being a faithful christian. because i want to EXPERIENCE jesus.
i want to feel him in the air and in my veins.
i want to know without a doubt he is there.
i want to be in constant communication with my creator.
i want him speaking through me and I want to be his hands and feet.
i want his life streaming through my blood.
i want to stop being this person i have created myself to be.
i want to stop dreaming of a future and i want to start living for something, someone other than myself right now in this moment. that this painting of life is not a focused image of me and my wants and desires, but a collection of strokes all adding up to a magnificent array of colors and beauty representing every soul that jesus has used me to touch.
i want to be the girl that jesus uses not because i am a "good christian" and "that's what I'm here for" but because i love him and would want nothing more than to be honoring him in all his glory.
i want to be close to him.
i want to draw near to him.
i want to learn all about him and the stories he wants to tell.
i want to find meaning in him.
all of these things can be said over and over and can become the cliches of christianity, but I think everyone of us gets to that point of realization where we see it for what it is.
we need jesus.
i need jesus.
it's not just a cliche. it's the only truth i really know. anything can be believed in. but is it the truth? and how do we know what truth is? i think you know when you know. people get confused. but jesus.... hes the only constant. he has always been and always will be. my thoughts are pouring out and not making sense but i think that's sort of a beautiful thing. jesus is overwhelming and he doesn't really make sense. so it's kind of the same thing, right? still beautiful and still magnificent.
1// Started the weekend right before my last semester of high school, ever. Went on a beautiful hike with my sweet friend, Kati. I may or may not have dropped my iPhone in that there pond, ya see. So naturally.... I went in after it. Burly mountain woman, I am. Call me Adventure Jo. 2// Disneyland. The Magic Kingdom. A very very happy place. 3// Spent hours in line for roller coasters that last about 6 minutes, churros that are eaten within moments, and laughter that just doesn't stop. 4// Of course I bought a Mickey hat with my ghetto nickname on it, duh. 5// A little too obsessed with these pretty rings found at Bueno Bueno. 6// Trying this new diet where I eat berries, lots and lots of berries. Its not berry satisfying. (hehe, couldn't help myself.) 7// I've been trying to redo my room the past few days, and after taking almost everything out, I am really liking it plain jane. 8// Tonight was the beautiful Celina's birthday! Surprised her for dinner, and spent quality time with fam and friends. 9// Clearly, we have some good hangs. 10// Can't. Stop. Listening. To. Devendra. Banhart.
Don't forget: We gotta keep capturing moments, and celebrating them.
I had the incredible honor to be in a production by the one and only Jeneanne Gallo- Huggins called, Changing Faces. After all of the blood, sweat, and tears that went into the process, finally getting the chance to share this art with our city was something I will never forget. This production was especially memorable, because I was given the opportunity to finally overcome my fear of singing in front of people. It was absolutely phenomenal, and I will carry it with me for the rest of my life.
&& the pictures turned out gorgeous.
*Photos by: Mallory Fabian
^^the kind words that Huggins had to say about working with me. Such a wonderful woman.
I had some good quality fun hanging with all of my favorite people after shows:
I had some good quality fun hanging with all of my favorite people after shows:
The entire experience overall was a blast.
I often hear people saying statements such as, "Oh my God, I am praying that he asks me to prom!" or "Hopefully I'll be getting that blue coach bag, just pray that it isn't sold out!" In the society we live in today, it is easy to fall into the materialistic pleasures of this world and then actually forget what we should be praying for. We begin to fall into the mindset that if we pray for that car, or that boy, that God will inevitably give it to us. We tend to view God as a genie that awaits and grants our every wish. So, when we are wanting something new, or wishing for something that seems out of reach we pray and ask God to pleeeaaassssee give it to us!
This is how I used to view God and prayer. It was something I did when I needed something. When I wanted something. It took me a while to realize that 1) God is SO much bigger than that, and 2) The ability to pray is so much greater than the stupid little things I was asking for. I think we underestimate our ability to pray.
How great is it that we can pray?!
We need to see prayer as a GIFT. Something we were given. The ability to speak to our Lord and Savior. To ask Him for guidance. To praise Him. It is such an exciting thing, and now that I see it this way, I couldn't imagine seeing it any other way! Now, don't get me wrong, I still have my bouts where I am praying and half way through I stop and think about what I just prayed for, and I realize that it was worthless. But if we begin to see prayer as a gift, it becomes something that we don't want to waste, and often times when we see it as something bigger than us, we begin to make our prayers much more bold and exciting. We stop praying for the boyfriend, and we begin to pray for the atheist cousin. We stop praying for the purse, and begin to pray for the homeless man that you see on your way to school every morning.
Why pray simple little prayers, when we have the ability to pray BOLD and AUDACIOUS prayers?!
Matthew 7:7 says,
”Ask, and it will be given to you seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you."
When we are given this kind of statement, this truth, WHY in the world would we pray for materialistic things?! I believe that when this was stated, God did not intend that we would pray for simple things, I believe he was awaiting our BOLD prayers. He can handle them. He waits for them. He wants to hear them. There is never a prayer too big. Keep that in mind.
Another concept we need to grasp, is that praying doesn't have to always be asking for something. How often do you just stop and THANK Him for the sun coming up, or the wind blowing, or the flowers blooming. There are thousands of things EVERYDAY to be thankful for, so why not just tell him?!
1 Chronicles 16:34 says,
"Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever."
I once heard of a technique to remember while you are praying. It is called, The Five Finger Prayer.
1) Your thumb is nearest to you, so pray for your loved ones and those closest to you.
2) Next is your pointer finger, often used to instruct, so pray for your leaders, teachers, doctors, ministers, etc.
3) The next finger is the tallest finger, so pray for the authorities or those higher than us. (President, leaders in business and politics) They are in charge, and need God's guidance.
4) The fourth finger is our weakest finger. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.
5) Lastly is our pinkie finger, the littlest of them all. Which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, “The least shall be the greatest among you.” Your Pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself.
(http://biblestudyplanet.com/the-5-finger-prayer/)
I am so grateful for the ability to pray. To me, it is a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. Let us remember that we were called to be BOLD and God expects prayers that can shake nations. Our generation can be so powerful when we learn this secret of prayer. That is the only thing we have. His word and our prayers.
Why would you settle for less?
I once heard of a technique to remember while you are praying. It is called, The Five Finger Prayer.
1) Your thumb is nearest to you, so pray for your loved ones and those closest to you.
2) Next is your pointer finger, often used to instruct, so pray for your leaders, teachers, doctors, ministers, etc.
3) The next finger is the tallest finger, so pray for the authorities or those higher than us. (President, leaders in business and politics) They are in charge, and need God's guidance.
4) The fourth finger is our weakest finger. It should remind us to pray for those who are weak, in trouble or in pain. They need your prayers day and night. You cannot pray too much for them.
5) Lastly is our pinkie finger, the littlest of them all. Which is where we should place ourselves in relation to God and others. As the Bible says, “The least shall be the greatest among you.” Your Pinkie should remind you to pray for yourself.
(http://biblestudyplanet.com/the-5-finger-prayer/)
I am so grateful for the ability to pray. To me, it is a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. Let us remember that we were called to be BOLD and God expects prayers that can shake nations. Our generation can be so powerful when we learn this secret of prayer. That is the only thing we have. His word and our prayers.
Why would you settle for less?
In the past year or so, I have noticed something about myself that I don't like. Its not something that I can't easily change, and I think that is why I have been avoiding it. I pretend like, "oh, well that's just the way God made me!" instead of actually looking at the issue and realizing its me and proceeding to fix it. This problem isn't something that I can just fix. It is going to take a lot of work, effort, and restrain.
I am very hot-blooded. I am very selfish, greedy, and just plain mean. What is sad, is that people who are not my family, don't normally see this side of me.
You see, these people don't HAVE to love me, so I could never be rude to them.
You see, these people don't HAVE to care, so I could never be angry.
People who know me, know that all that I want to do with my life is help others. They know how strong in my faith I am, and how I have a passion for God and a passion for spreading and sharing His love.
How awesome would it be if I actually did this in my own home?
My priorities have been a little messed up, lately. My home is my first ministry, and I keep forgetting that. It is easy to treat your family with disrespect because you know they will always be there, and they will have to forgive you at some point. What I have come to learn, is that, THAT right there is the exact reason why they should be my first priority. Family is a special, special blessing that I am lucky enough to have. Instead of disobeying my parents, I should be respecting them and loving them with every bone in my body. Instead of being angry with my brothers over stupid petty things, I need to remember that they were always there, and they will always be there. My entire family has sacrificed so much for me, and I have been selfish and ungrateful.
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
-Exodus 20:12
Today was a wake up call for me. My mom came to me in tears because she was, "scared that I was becoming a different person" and that scared me. Was I? Was I becoming a different person? Whatever my mama thought I was becoming, was definitely not anything I wanted to let happen. But I do feel different. I feel like I have become this angry monster at home. The ticking bomb that no one wants to set off. That scares me. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the same happy, bright, loving person I am at school, in my own home. I have become a walking contradiction.
I know, that I am only human. I know that I am going to make mistakes, but this is a mistake that I keep making, which means its not a mistake anymore. I am going to need to work at this, and it won't come easy. But i love my family enough to want to be better for them, which is the way it should be. That is the way God expects me to be. In order for relationships to last, there needs to be sacrifice on both ends. Now it's my turn.
Thank you God for being a loving, forgiving God. Thank you, Jesus for second chances and your unfailing grace. Thank you for my absolutely incredible family. Celebrate everything.
