In the past year or so, I have noticed something about myself that I don't like. Its not something that I can't easily change, and I think that is why I have been avoiding it. I pretend like, "oh, well that's just the way God made me!" instead of actually looking at the issue and realizing its me and proceeding to fix it. This problem isn't something that I can just fix. It is going to take a lot of work, effort, and restrain.
I am very hot-blooded. I am very selfish, greedy, and just plain mean. What is sad, is that people who are not my family, don't normally see this side of me.
You see, these people don't HAVE to love me, so I could never be rude to them.
You see, these people don't HAVE to care, so I could never be angry.
People who know me, know that all that I want to do with my life is help others. They know how strong in my faith I am, and how I have a passion for God and a passion for spreading and sharing His love.
How awesome would it be if I actually did this in my own home?
My priorities have been a little messed up, lately. My home is my first ministry, and I keep forgetting that. It is easy to treat your family with disrespect because you know they will always be there, and they will have to forgive you at some point. What I have come to learn, is that, THAT right there is the exact reason why they should be my first priority. Family is a special, special blessing that I am lucky enough to have. Instead of disobeying my parents, I should be respecting them and loving them with every bone in my body. Instead of being angry with my brothers over stupid petty things, I need to remember that they were always there, and they will always be there. My entire family has sacrificed so much for me, and I have been selfish and ungrateful.
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you.
-Exodus 20:12
Today was a wake up call for me. My mom came to me in tears because she was, "scared that I was becoming a different person" and that scared me. Was I? Was I becoming a different person? Whatever my mama thought I was becoming, was definitely not anything I wanted to let happen. But I do feel different. I feel like I have become this angry monster at home. The ticking bomb that no one wants to set off. That scares me. I don't want to be that person. I want to be the same happy, bright, loving person I am at school, in my own home. I have become a walking contradiction.
I know, that I am only human. I know that I am going to make mistakes, but this is a mistake that I keep making, which means its not a mistake anymore. I am going to need to work at this, and it won't come easy. But i love my family enough to want to be better for them, which is the way it should be. That is the way God expects me to be. In order for relationships to last, there needs to be sacrifice on both ends. Now it's my turn.
Thank you God for being a loving, forgiving God. Thank you, Jesus for second chances and your unfailing grace. Thank you for my absolutely incredible family. Celebrate everything.
