old late night rambles.

i've been feeling super distant from god lately. and not in an "i can't feel you moving in my life" kind of way. more of in a "haven't been trying or putting forth the effort, or even worse-remembering" kind of way. 

i can't help but compare where i am now, to where i once was- fired up, passionate, and absolutely crazy about jesus. this time last year i was talking about jesus, thinking about Jesus, and living about Jesus. I was the jesus freak. and i can't help but think that these people that saw me this way and experienced me in my rich season on faith, haven't heard from me in a while. this jesus that i "live for" hasn't even heard from me in a while. and don't get me wrong, i still 100% believe in the gospel. i love jesus. with everything in me, but sometimes it's hard to love him. not because things are going wrong, or not my way. i guess just because this world is designed to distract us. and i fall short sometimes. i get distracted. 

i think the world tricks you. it tells you that if you don't feel it completely, it's not there. so i think maybe i don't feel god. i feel stagnant. and i try, just maybe not hard enough. or maybe i don't want it for the right reasons. i just miss god. i miss waking up and feeling renewed. and i miss noticing jesus in my daily life. and i miss talking about jesus. and i miss being the Jesus freak. not for the title or the image but for the sole purpose of devoting everything, even you're earthly reputation, to someone and something far greater than any of us. 

i've been getting so involved with the church that i think it has become social. and not spiritual. i am serving. who am i serving? myself, most days. 

i worry a lot. i worry that i'm missing out on jesus. i worry that when i didn't notice that ray of sunlight peeking over the clouds, i missed out on a little bit of jesus. and i worry that when i looked away from the sorry soul wandering on the street, i missed out on a little bit of jesus. its hard to notice the details sometimes. but when you do, you really do see jesus. 

i want to be on fire again. 
i want to make jesus my priority again. but it's more than just the actions of being a faithful christian. because i want to EXPERIENCE jesus. 
i want to feel him in the air and in my veins. 
i want to know without a doubt he is there. 
i want to be in constant communication with my creator. 
i want him speaking through me and I want to be his hands and feet. 
i want his life streaming through my blood. 
i want to stop being this person i have created myself to be. 
i want to stop dreaming of a future and i want to start living for something, someone other than myself right now in this moment. that this painting of life is not a focused image of me and my wants and desires, but a collection of strokes all adding up to a magnificent array of colors and beauty representing every soul that jesus has used me to touch. 
i want to be the girl that jesus uses not because i am a "good christian" and "that's what I'm here for" but because i love him and would want nothing more than to be honoring him in all his glory. 
i want to be close to him. 
i want to draw near to him. 
i want to learn all about him and the stories he wants to tell. 
i want to find meaning in him. 

all of these things can be said over and over and can become the cliches of christianity, but I think everyone of us gets to that point of realization where we see it for what it is. 

we need jesus. 

i need jesus. 

it's not just a cliche. it's the only truth i really know. anything can be believed in. but is it the truth? and how do we know what truth is? i think you know when you know. people get confused. but jesus.... hes the only constant. he has always been and always will be. my thoughts are pouring out and not making sense but i think that's sort of a beautiful thing. jesus is overwhelming and he doesn't really make sense. so it's kind of the same thing, right? still beautiful and still magnificent.